- She had to ask me to leave.
- Oh, God.

So you knew who she was?

Of course I did, but he didn't.

Well, not instantly, but I-- I--
I got away with it.

- What do you think of the guinea-fowl ?
- I'm a vegetarian.

Oh, God.

So, how's the guinea-fowl ?

Best guinea-fowl
I've ever tasted.

Having you here, Anna, firmly
establishes what l've long suspected--

that we really are the most
desperate lot of underachievers.

- Shame.
- I'm not saying it's a bad thing.

ln fact, l think it's something
we should take pride in.

I'm gonna give the last brownie
as a prize...

to the saddest act here.

- Uh-oh.
- Bern.

Yeah, all right.
Well, obviously, it's me, isn't it?

I mean, I work in the city in a job
I don't understand,

and everyone keeps
getting promoted above me.

I haven't had a girlfriend since--
well, since puberty.

And... nobody fancies me.

And if these cheeks get any chubbier,
they never will.

- Nonsense. I fancy you.
- Really?

Yeah. Or l did
before you got so fat.

You see.
And unless l'm much mistaken,

your job still pays you
rather a lot of money...

whilst Honey here
earns 20 pence a week...

flogging her guts out
in London's worst record store.

Yes ! And I haven't got hair.
I've got feathers.

And I've got funny goggly eyes.
And I'm attracted to cruel men.

And, actually,
no one will marry me...

because, um, my boosies
have actually started shrinking.

- You see, it's incredibly sad.
- But on the other hand,

her best friend is Anna Scott.

That's true. I can't deny it.
She needs me. What can I say?

And most of her limbs work, whereas
I'm stuck in this thing day and night,

in a house full of ramps.

And to add insult
to serious injury,

I've totally given up smoking,
my favorite thing.

And, um, well, the truth is,

we can't have a baby.

Oh, Belle.

C'est la vie.

Still, um, we're lucky in lots of ways.

But surely that's worth a brownie.

Well, I don't know.
Look at William.

- Very unsuccessful professionally.
- That's true.

Divorced. Used to be handsome,
now kind of squidgy round the edges.

And absolutely certain never
to hear from Anna again...

- once she's heard that his
nickname at school was--
- Floppy.

You did.
I can't believe it, you did.

Thanks very much. Thank you.
Well, at least I get the last brownie.

l think so, yes.

Well, wait.
What about me?

I'm sorry?
You think you deserve the brownie?

Well, a shot at it at least, huh?

You'll have to prove it.
This is a very, very good brownie.

I'm gonna fight for it.

I've been on a diet
every day since I was 19,

which basically means
I've been hungry for a decade.

I've had a series of not-nice
boyfriends, one of whom hit me.

Uh, and every time
l get my heart broken,

the newspapers splash it about
as though it's entertainment.

And... it's taken two rather painful,
um, operations...

to get me looking like this.

- Really?
- Really.

And one day not long from now,
my looks will go,

they will discover I can't act,

and I will become
some sad, middle-aged woman...

who... looks a bit like someone
who was famous for a while.

No, nice try, gorgeous,
but you don't fool anyone.

Pathetic effort
to hog the brownie.

- Thank you for such a terrific time.
- I'm delighted.

- That's a great tie.
- Now you're lying.

Okay, it's true.
I told you I was bad at acting.

- It was lovely to meet you.
- Yeah, and you. And you.

I'll wait until you've gone
before I tell him you're a vegetarian.

- Good night.
- I'm so sorry about the loo thing.

I meant to leave.
I just--

Ring me if you want someone
to go shopping with.

I know lots of nice, cheap places,
not that money is necessarily--

It was just so nice to meet you.

- Happy birthday. You're my style guru.
- Thank you.

- Sorry. Can I just--
- Oh.

- Thanks.
- Leave her.

- Good night, everyone.
- Bye.

Max, Belle,
we'll see you in a couple of days.

- Thank you, everybody. Call us.
- Bye, guys.

- Bye, Anna.
- Love your work.

Bye, Hon.

Sorry. They always do that
when I leave the house.

It's a stupid thing.
I hate it.

- ''Floppy,'' huh?
- It's the hair.

- Mm-hmm.
- It's to do with the hair.

Why is she in a wheelchair ?

Uh, because she had an accident
about 18 months ago.

And the pregnancy thing,
is that to do with the accident?

You know, I'm not sure.

I don't think they tried for kids
before, as fate would have it.

Do you want to, um--

My place is just, um--

Too complicated.

That's fine.

Busy tomorrow?

- I thought you were leaving tomorrow.
- I was.

All these streets round here have...

these mysterious communal gardens
in the middle of them.

- They're like little villages.
- Let's go in.

Ah, no, that's the point.
They're private villages.

Only the people who live round the edges
are allowed in.

Oh. You abide by rules like that?

I don't. No, no.
But others do.

I just do what I want.

Um-- Right.

Whoopsidaisies.

What did you say?

- Nothing.
- Yes, you did.

- No, I didn't.
- You said, ''Whoopsidaisies.''

No one says, ''Whoopsidaisies,'' do they?
I mean, unless they're--

There is no ''unless.'' Because no one
has said ''Whoopsidaisies'' for 50 years.

And even then it was-- it was just
little girls with blonde ringlets.

Exactly. Right.
So here we go again.

Oh ! Oh ! Whoopsidaisies.

Yeah, well, it's a disease.
It's a clinical thing.

I'm taking pills and having injections.
And I'm told it won't last long.

- Okay, stand aside.
- I don't think that's a good idea.

Really, it's quite, um, tricky.
Anna.

Anna, don't. It's harder than it--
No, it's not. It's easy.

Come on, Flopsy.

Right.

All right.

Oh, bugger.

Oh, God,
this could be very unpleasant.

Ay !
Bugger, bugger.

Now what in the world in this garden
could make that ordeal worthwhile?

Nice garden.

''For June who loved this garden.

From Joseph who always sat beside her.''

Some people do spend
their whole lives together.

Come and sit with me.

Bollocks ! Bollocks !

- Have you seen my glasses?
- No, afraid not.

Big, big bollocks !
Average day, my glasses are everywhere.

Everywhere I look
there's a pair of glasses.

But when I want to go to the cinema,
they've vanished.

It's one of life's real cruelties.

That's compared to, like,
earthquakes in the Far East
or testicular cancer, is it?

Oh, shit.
Is that the time?

Thanks for all your help
on the glasses thing.

Oh, you're welcome.
Did you find them?

- Sort of.
- Great.

So who left who?

- Uh, she left me.
- Why?

- She saw through me.
- Uh-oh.

That's not good.

That's not good.

You can give me
Anna Scott any day.

I didn't like her last film. Fell asleep
as soon as the lights went down.

I don't really care
what the film's like.

Any film with her in,
it's fine by me.

She's not my type at all.
l prefer the other one.

You know, blonde, sweet-looking.

You know, what's-her-name.

Has an orgasm every time
you take her out for a cup of coffee.

Meg Ryan.

No, she's too wholesome.
The point about Miss Scott is...

she's got that twinkle in her eyes.

Probably drug-induced.
Spends most of her life in bloody rehab.

Well, whatever.
She's so clearly up for it.

You see, most girls, they're all like,
''Stay away, chum. ''

But Anna,
she is absolutely gagging for it.

Do you know that in over 50%
of the languages,

the word for ''actress'' is
the same as the word for ''prostitute''?

Where did you get that from?

And Anna is your definitive actress,

someone really filthy
you can just flip over and start again.

- Right, that's it. Sorry.
- No, no. There's really no point.

Um, sorry--
sorry to disturb you guys.

- But, um--
- Can I help?

Well, yeah. I wish I hadn't overheard
your conversation, but I did.

And, um, I just think, you know,

the person you're talking about
is a real person.

And I think she probably deserves
a little bit more consideration...

rather than having jerks like you
drooling over her.

Oh, sod off, mate.
What are you, her dad?

- I'm sorry.
- No, I love that you tried.

Time was I'd have done the same thing.
In fact--

Hi.

Oh, my God.

I just wanted to apologize for
my friend. He's very sensitive.

Uh, look, I'm sorr--

No, no, leave it. It's, you know--
I'm sure you didn't mean any harm.

I'm sure it was just friendly banter.

I'm sure you guys have dicks
the size of peanuts. Enjoy your dinner.

The tuna's really good.

I shouldn't have done that.
I shouldn't have done that.

- No, you were brilliant.
- I'm rash and I'm stupid.

What am I doing with you?

Uh, I don't know, I'm afraid.

I don't either.

Here we are.

Yes.

- Well, look--
- Do you wanna come up?

Well, there seems to be...
lots of reasons why I shouldn't, so--

There are lots of reasons.

Do you wanna come up?

Give me five minutes?

To be able to do that
is such a wonderful thing.

- You've got to go.
- Why?

Because my boyfriend who was in America
is, in fact, now in the next room.

- Boyfriend?
- Yes.

- Baby, who is it?
- Uh, it's, uh--

- Uh--
- Uh, room service.

Oh. How you doing? I thought you guys
always wore those, uh, penguin coats.

Usually we do.

But I was just, uh--
just changed to go home.

And, um, then I thought
I'd take this final call.

Oh, great. If you don't mind,
I would like something too.

Could you bring me up some
really, really cold water ?

I'll see what I can do.

- Still, not sparkling.
- Absolutely. Ice-cold still water.

Unless it's illegal in the U.K. to serve
beverages below room temperature.

I wouldn't want you going to jail
just to satisfy my whim, now.

- No, I'm sure it's fine.
- Thank you.

Hey, one more thing.

Could you adios these dirty dishes
and take out that trash too?

- Uh--
- Right.

No. No. Um, don't-- don't--
don't do that.

I don't think
it's his job to clear.

Oh, l'm sorry. l'm sorry.
What's your name, man?

Bernie.

Oh, listen, Bernie.

Thank you.
I really appreciate it.

Hey, you.

So, tell me. Tell me, tell me.
Good surprise or nasty surprise?

- Good surprise.
- Oh, you're such a liar.

She hates surprises.
Hey, what are you gonna order ?

- Huh?
- From him. What are you gonna order ?

Um, I haven't decided yet.

Oh, well, don't overdo it.

I don't want people saying,
''There goes that famous actor
with the big, fat girlfriend.''

I should leave.

This is a fairly strange reality
to be faced with.

I'm so sorry.

I don't know...

what to say.

Well,

I think, um,

''good-bye'' is traditional.

Come on.

Open up.

This is me.
Spikey.

This is me.
Spikey.

I'm in contact with some quite
important spiritual vibrations.

Come on.
Hit me with it.

- There's this girl--
- Aha.

See, I been gettin' a female vibe.
Good.

Speak on, dear friend.

She's someone who...

can't be mine, and, uh,

it's as if I've taken love heroin,
and now I can't ever have it again.

I've opened Pandora's box
and there's trouble inside.

Yeah.

Tricky.

Tricky.

I knew a girl at school
called Pandora.

Never got to see her box or--

Right.

Right. Thanks. That's very helpful.

You didn't know
she had a boyfriend?

Why? Did you?

Oh, bloody hell.
l don't believe it.

My whole life ruined because
l don't read Hello magazine.

Let's face facts.
This was always a no-win situation.

Anna's... a goddess.

You know what happens to mortals
who get involved with the gods.

- Buggered. is it?
- Every time.

But don't despair. l think l have
the solution to your problems.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm. Her name is Tessa.

She works in the Contracts Department.

The hair. I admit.
is unfashionably frizzy.

but she's bright as a button and kisses
like a nymphomaniac on death row.

Apparently.

Now... try.

l got completely lost.

lt's very difficult, isn't it?
Everything's got the word
''Kensington'' in it.

Kensington Park Road. Kensington Garden.
Kensington bloody Park Garden.

- Tessa. this is Bella. my wife.
- Hello.

- You're in a wheelchair.
- That's right.

And this is William.

- Hello. William.
- Hi.

- Max has told me everything about you.
- Has he?

Oh. yes.
You are a naughty boy.

- Wine?
- Oh. yes. please.

Come on. Willie.
Let's get sloshed.

- Red or white?
- Red.

Keziah.

- Some woodcock?
- No. thank you. I'm a fruitarian.

What is a fruitarian. exactly?

We believe that
fruits and vegetables have feelings.

so we think cooking is cruel.

We only eat things that have actually
fallen from the tree or bush.

that are. in fact. dead already.

Ah. Oh. right.

Right.

So. um. these carrots?

- Have been murdered. yes.
- Murdered.

Poor old carrots.
That's--

That's beastly.

Delicious coffee.

I'm sorry about the lamb.

No. I thought it was...
really. you know. interesting.

Interesting means inedible.

Really inedible. Yes. you're right.

Well. maybe we'll meet again.

Yeah. yeah.
That would be. uh--

be great.

Bye.

Well ?

Perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

And?

I think you've forgotten
what an unusual situation you two have.

To find someone you actually... love.
who'll love you.

The chances are always minuscule.

Look at me.

Apart from the American. I've only
loved two girls. both total disasters.

- That's not fair.
- One of them marries me,
then leaves me...

faster than you can say
''lndiana Jones. ''

And the other-- who seriously
ought to have known better--

casually marries my best friend.

- She still loves you. though.
- In a depressingly asexual way.

I never fancied you much. actually.

Oh. God.

I loved you.
You were terribly funny. but...

all that kissing my ears.

l don't believe it.
This is just getting worse.

I shall find myself 30 years from now
still sitting on this sofa.

- Do you wanna stay?
- Yeah. Why not?

All that awaits me at home
is a masturbating Welshman.

Here we go.

- Good night.
- Night.

- See you.
- Right.

Guilty.
Very. very guilty.

So it seems.

Hi.

Can I come in?

Come in.

They were taken years ago.

I know it was--

But I was poor and--
It happens a lot.

That's not an excuse.
I just--

But to make matters worse.

it now appears as though...

someone was filming me as well.

So what was a stupid
photo shoot...

now looks like a porn film.

The pictures have been sold
and they're just...

everywhere.

I didn't know where to go.

The hotel's surrounded.

I know it's been months. but--

This is the place.

Thank you.

I'm just in London...

for two days.
but what with your papers.

it's the worst place to be.

These pictures are just so horrible.
and they're so grainy.

It makes me look like--

Don't think about it.

We'll sort it out.

What would you like?
Tea?

Bath?

A bath would be great.

Oh. Christ alive !

Brilliant. Fantastic.

Magnificent.

You must be Spike.

- Hi.
-Just...

checkin'.

Thank you. God.

I'm really sorry about last time.

- Oh--
- He just flew in.

- I had no idea.
- All right.

In fact. I had no idea
if he was ever gonna fly in again.

It's not often one
has the opportunity to adios...

the plates of
a major Hollywood film star.

It was. um--
It was thrilling for me.

So how is he?

I don't know.

It just got to the point...

where I couldn't remember
any of the reasons why we were together.

And you and love?

Oh. well. there's a question. um.

without an interesting answer.

I have thought about you.

- Oh.
- lt's just that...

any time I've tried to keep...

anything normal
with a person that was...

normal.
it's just been a disaster.

Listen. I appreciate that.
Absolutely.

So what is that,
a film you're doing?

Um. start in L.A. on Tuesday.

Would you like me to
take you through your lines?

Would you?
'Cause it's all talk. talk. talk.

Hand it over.

Right.
Um. basic plot?

I'm a difficult but brilliant
junior officer...

who in about 20 minutes is gonna
save the world from nuclear disaster.

Mm-hmm. Okay.
Well done. you.

''Message from Command. Would you
like them to send in the H.K.'s?''

No. Turn over four T.R.S.'s
and tell them we need radar feedback...

before the K.F.T.'s return at 1900.

Then inform the Pentagon we'll need
Black Star cover from 1000 through 12 15.

And if you say one word about how many
mistakes l made in that speech,
l'll pelt you with olives.

- Very well. Captain.
I'll pass that on straightaway.
- Thank you.

- How many mistakes did I make?
- Eleven.

- Damn it. And Wainwright--
- Cartwright.

Cartwright. Wainwright.
whatever your name is.

I promised little Jimmy
I'd be home for his birthday.

so could you get a message to him
that I may be late.

Certainly.
And. uh. little Johnny?

- My son's name is Johnny?
- Yep.

- Then get a message to him too.
- l'll do what l can, Captain,

but l can't promise anything.

And Cartwright goes.

- What do you think?
- Gripping. lt's not Jane Austen.

It's not Henry James.
but it's... gripping.

- Think I should do Henry James instead?
- You would be brilliant.

But this writer-- writers--
they're pretty damn good too.

You never get anyone
on Wings of the Dove saying.

''Inform the Pentagon
we need Black Star cover.''

For me the book is the poorer for it.

I can't believe you have that picture.

You like Chagall ?

I do. It feels like
how love should be--

floating through a dark blue sky.

With a goat, playing a violin.

Well. yes.

Happiness isn't happiness
without a violin-playing goat.

You have big feet.

Yes.
Yes. always have had.

You know what they say
about men with big feet.

No.
What's that?

Uh. big feet.

large... shoes.

The thing that is so irritating...

is that now I'm so fierce
when it comes to nudity clauses.

You actually have... clauses
in your contract about nudity?

Definitely.

''You may show the dent of the top of the
artist's buttocks. but neither cheek.''

Or if there's
a stunt bottom being used...

''artist must have full consultation.''

- You have a stunt bottom?
- I could have a stunt bottom. yes.

Are people tempted to go
for better bottoms than their own?

Yeah. I would.
This is important stuff.

It's one hell of a job. isn't it?
What do you put on your passport?

''Profession: Mel Gibson's bottom.''

Actually. Mel does his own ass work.

- Right.
- Why wouldn't he?

- Absolutely.
- It's delicious.

What. the ice cream
or Mel Gibson's bottom?

Both. Equally.

But you wouldn't necessarily lick both?

Well. this is tart.

And fuzz-free.

And. uh--

Bedroom.
There's clean sheets.

Today's been a good day.

which in the circumstances is...

unexpected.

Thank you.

Anyway. um.

time for bed.

Or sofa bed.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh. my God.

Hello?

Hello.

-Spike.
-I wonder if I could have a little word.

- Right.
- I don't want to interfere or anything.

but she's just split up
from her boyfriend. right?

- Maybe.
- And she's in your house.

- Yes.
- And you get on very well.

- Yes.
- Well. isn't this. perhaps.

a nice opportunity to...

slip her one.

Spike. for God's sakes.
She's in trouble. Get a grip.

You think it's the wrong moment.
Fair enough.

- Do you mind if I have a go?
- Spike !

- Okay.
- I'll talk to you in the morning.

Okay.
Might be too late. but okay.

Please. sod off.

- Okay. All right.
- No. No. no !

Wait ! I thought you were.
um. someone else.

I thought you were Spike.
I'm thrilled that you're not.

Wow.

What?

Nothing.

lt does strike me as,

well. surreal that I'm allowed
to see you naked.

- You and every person in this country.
- I'm sorry.

What is it about men and nudity. huh?

Particularly breasts.

- How can you be so interested in them?
- Well--

But. seriously.
they're just breasts.

Every second person
in the world has them.

More than that. when you think about it.
Meat Loaf has a very nice pair.

But they're odd-looking.

They're for milk.
Your mother has them.

You've seen a thousand of them.
What's all the fuss about?

Actually. I can't think
what it is. really.

Let me just have a quick look.

Nope. nope. Beats me.

Rita Hayworth used to say.

''They go to bed with Gilda.
they wake up with me.''

- Who was Gilda?
- Her most famous part.

Men went to bed with the dream.

and they didn't like it
when they woke up with the reality.

Do you feel that way?

You are lovelier this morning
than you have ever been.

I'll be right back.

Breakfast in bed.

- Oh.
- Or it's brunch or lunch or something.

My God.

Can I stay a bit longer ?

Stay forever.

Okay.
Oh. Forgot the jam.

I'll get the jam.
you get the door.

Jesus Christ.

What?

What is it?

- Nothing. really.
- You're up to something.

Anna, no, please !

My God. And they got a picture of you
dressed like that.

Yes.

Undressed like this. yeah.

- Morning. darling ones.
- It's me. The press are here.

No. there are hundreds of them.

My brilliant plan
was not so brilliant. I know.

I know. I know.
Just get over here.

Damn it.

- Um. I wouldn't go outside.
- Why not?

-Just take my word for it.
- Oh.

How did I look?
Not bad.

Not at all bad.
Well-chosen briefs. I'd say.

Chicks love grey.

Nice firm buttocks.

How are you doing?

How do you think I'm doing?

- I don't know what happened.
- I do.

Your furry friend thought he'd make
a buck telling the papers where I was.

- That's not true.
- Really?

The entire British press
got up this morning and thought.
''I know where Anna Scott is.

She's in that house with the blue door
in Notting Hill.''

Then you go out
in your goddamn underwear !

-I went out in my goddamn underwear too.
-Get out !

Sorry.

- I'm so sorry.
- This is such an unbelievable mess.

I come to you to protect myself
against more crappy gossip.

and now I've landed in it
all over again.

For God's sake. I've got a boyfriend !

- You have?
- As far as they're concerned I do.

And now. tomorrow there'll be
pictures of you in every newspaper
from here to Timbuktu !

I know that. but...
just let's stay calm.

You stay calm ! This is a perfect
situation for you. isn't it?

Minimum input. maximum publicity.

Everywhere you go. people will say.
''Well done. you.

You slept with that actress.
We saw the pictures.''

- That is spectacularly unfair.
- That's yours.

Maybe it'll even help business.

Buy a boring book about Egypt
from the guy that screwed Anna Scott.

Stop ! Stop ! I beg you !

Calm down.
How about a cup of tea?

I don't want
a goddamn cup of tea.

I just wanna go home.

Spike, see who that is,
and put some clothes on, for God's sake.

Looks like a chauffeur to me.

Spike owes you
an expensive dinner or holiday.

depending who's got the brains
to get the going rate on betrayal.

That is not true.
Wait a minute.

This is crazy behaviour.

Can't we just
laugh about all this?

Seriously. In the huge sweep of things.
this stuff doesn't matter.

What he's gonna say next is
there's people starving in the Sudan.

Well. there are. and we don't
have to go anywhere near that far.

My best friend slipped down stairs.
cracked her back...

and she's in a wheelchair
for the rest of her life.

All I'm asking for is
a normal amount of perspective.

You're right.
Of course. you're right.

It's just that I've dealt
with this garbage for ten years.

You've had it for ten minutes.

Our perspectives are very different.

Today's newspapers will be lining
tomorrow's wastepaper bin.

- Excuse me?
- You know.

It's just one day.

Tomorrow. today's papers
will all have been thrown out.

You really don't get it.

This story will be filed.

Every time anyone writes anything
about me. they'll dig up these photos.

Newspapers last forever.

I'll regret this forever.

Right.

Right.

I will feel the opposite.

if that's okay by you. and. uh.

always be glad that you...
came to stay.

But. um. you're probably right.

You better go.

Was it you?

I may have told a few people
down at the pub.

Right.